Year One: accomplished.

Actually, it was finished with well over two months ago, but I've been neglected my LJ as of late. In any case, there's not really too much that's been going on.

I kind of dated this guy named Ryan for a few weeks. I never even found out his last name, that's how serious it got. But it was the most I had ever actually dated (as in, went on real dates) with a guy. It was fun, but somehow it seemed awkward all the time. As though people don't actually date any more to get to know each other, they either hook up or hang out.

I actually studied hard core for finals. Like, starting a week or two before finals, I studied from the time school ended until 9 or 10. During our study days, it was 10-10 every day. And after finals started, it was after lunch-10 (or even 3). And yet, I did worse this semester than I did last. I don't know if it was because I knew less to start with, or it was legitimately harder, or what, but I hope that if I start with this work ethic from the beginning of the semester, I might actually do better this fall.

I went to Chile for 3 weeks. It was an amazing vacation, along with my three days in Boston and my four (yes, FOUR) days at Warped Tour, three of them in a row. Although it clearly would have been much cooler if I was actually ON Warped.

I don't know if I'm ready for school again. I was ready back in June, but now that I'm in the vacation mode, I don't know if I can come out.

Current Mood: anxious

I finished my first semester at vet school, and it was actually a lot of fun. I know, I'm fucking crazy, right? But it wasn't as hard as I was expecting (I'm sure it'll get there, though). And I found fun things to do, and fun people to do them with. All in all, things are going well.

And that's what fucking scares me. It's dumb, but I feel like things are going so well for me, that things can't possibly stay like this. No one gets everything they want. Most people don't even get most of what they want. I know there will come a time when I won't be so content with my lot in life, but I suppose the only thing I can do is accept that whatever happens, will happen, and I can't prevent things I don't know about. But then I also got to thinking about the things I want but can't/don't have, and in order of most of least important, here they are:
1) a pet
2) a boyfriend
3) drums
Seriously, there's a hole in my heart, not having a pet. I think when I go back to Knoxvegas, I'm going to have to talk with Meg about that. Between Tank and Godiva, I feel like the cool aunt who doesn't have kids but spoils her nieces and nephews, waiting and wanting her own kids. Except that I want a pet.

As for the new year, I think the old one has been pretty good, so I hope the new one is at least as good. It started out SUPER awesome-Farrah (and Brandon) and I went to see Jupiter One, and it was AMAZING. SO worth it. My one real resolution is to meditate (at least a little bit!) every day. Hopefully, when I can accomplish that, everything else will fall into place.

I have my first Anatomy exam in three days, and I am WAY fucked. I definitely didn't study for it like I should have, and now I'm just doing what I can, but the test will definitely be asking about specific little details, which is not what I'm going to have time to do. If the schedule is right, it's only 33 questions and 4 hours, so hopefully I'll have plenty of time to sit and figure stuff out if I don't remember it right away, but that's never been my strong point.

I wish we just had until the end of the week, and not just Wednesday, to study for this stupid thing. And it doesn't help that our first anatomy professor is on medical leave, and now HIS replacement (who wasn't that great to begin with) is gone for some conference, and we now have a virologist (yes, a virologist) teaching us anatomy. Gosh, this test is gonna be GREAT!

At least I haven't failed anything else yet.

Current Mood: scared

I moved to Knoxville.

It's no New York (which is obvious). But it's still not quite as city-like as I imagined it to be. It's really difficult to go anywhere without a car, which really bothers me. It's also strange, not living in a dorm surrounded by people who are all going to the same school as you. But I do live in a house with people all at UT (and one's a fourth year vet student), so it's pretty cool. It's also a bit strange being at school where there are almost NO racial "minorities"...I'm really not used to being a minority. And in some ways I'm not really, but for some reason, even though I was never part of Brown Town, I somehow ended up making friends with a few Indian people, and it's pretty obvious that it's not happening here.

It's also odd being somewhere that is far more conservative. There's a lot more country/folk/"roots" (read: Christian) music around here, a lot more people go hunting, and there will definitely be more people voting for McCain than I expected. I guess Knoxville isn't quite as liberal as I was hoping.

Vet school...also not quite what I expected. It's not that it's hard, so much as it is just a lot of studying to do. I haven't really been keeping up yet, so I need to pick up the pace, that's for sure. My first exam is in two weeks, but I think I should be okay if I put in the time.

Farrah and I went to see The Parlor Mob on Saturday. It was pretty good, until we tried to leave. And we got a flat tire.

This wouldn't have been so bad (even though it was kind of raining and a sort of deserted place), except for a series of bad decisions on my part, which go like this:
1) calling the parents FIRST
2) listening to farrah when she said to wait for AAA instead of trying to change the tire/getting help

What I probably should have done was this:
1) go get help (or at least, someone to stand there with us so we're not two girls alone in a parking lot
2) have one person call AAA, while the other got started on changing the tire
3) let the 'rents know at some point
4) CHECK THE AIR on the spare!

I admit, I made mistakes, and especially in NJ, that wasn't so great. But I DID make it home okay, and if I'm never in those situations, how the hell am I going to learn? Now my parents are using this as an excuse to not let me go to shows, saying that I'm "overdoing" it. What the hell is that supposed to mean? If going out was interfering with my doing anything else, then I could understand. But why is it a big deal? My brother just tells them he's going out and he leaves. And that's okay. Why do I have to "get permission" in advance to do the same thing? And even then, I still don't go out as much as he does. When are they going to learn that I'm 21 and they can't just make up rules arbitrarily?

I went to see The Stationary Set and Jupiter One last night. Fucking AMAZING. I don't even want to think about it too much, because I'll just want to be back there.

But I took a video of The Stat Set's new song (the name of which escapes me), and despite the shitty sound quality that my camera gave me, I've probably seen it all too many times now. And now that I just saw the single video My Chem released as a teaser for The Black Parade is Dead!, I realize how much I love watching live performances, even recorded. It makes me want to do it more, just a little. The thing is, if I like a band enough to want to record their stuff, I'm not going to want to pay attention to the recording, I'll want to be watching/listening to them and just losing myself in the music.

I want my cake. And I want to eat it.

And I also want a certain guitarist.

So I guess I shouldn't have been so quick to judge. My own short stories, despite all the time I had to write them, were "skeletons" of stories, which sounds about right. But still...I don't consider myself to be a writer at all.

Now that graduation is done with, I have a summer with not a whole lot to do. No job yet, although I have applied as a part-time research assistant for NYU's Sustainability Task Force. I guess I'll find out about that in a week or so. And then, of course, there are shows, one of which is tonight, but many more that I'm missing, which kind of sucks...I really wish some of those had been this past week, when I had nothing to do.

Randomly, a few weeks ago, I went out for drinks with a...I don't even know what to call him. I'd say friend, but are we really? I love the music that his band makes, even if he's not the one who writes the songs. I only know him because of the band, and even though we've hung out randomly once, I don't know that we'd do it again.

Anyways, the point is that while we were talking, I realized that I really like the position I'm in. He records music, and working with it all day means that he doesn't really listen to much after work. I don't think I could stand that--as much as I wish I had some artistic talent, I think I would much rather be in the audience and enjoy the music that's being made for me, rather than be up there and make it but not enjoy listening so much any more.

On the vet school front: I have been accepted to Tennessee (YAYY!!!) and will be attending in August. WOOT! Yes, I'm scared shitless to move so far away from home. I've never really lived outside of New York, more than an hour away from mom and dad, so that's nerve-wracking. But I REALLY need this. I need to be thrown out on my own, I need to not be able to go back to Long Island whenever I want, and I need to fend for myself and become independent. I'm going to miss New York, of course, and all my friends and my favorite bands, but I'm sure I'll find new ones in Knoxville, and I'm actually looking forward to it a little bit. Maybe a Southern city won't be so bad after all.

Current Mood: scared

I don't know why I want to write now, after I just wrote the worst "analytical commentary" ever for Env. and Society and reading some (I'm sorry!) pretty bad short stories by people who claim to be artists and writers.

Seriously...what the hell makes an artist? And who are these people to think that their writing is any good? Maybe it's just my own attention to detail and annoyance at all those stupid things, and inability to see the bigger story which actually might be decent, but REALLY...come on. Write a story with a POINT! I guess I shouldn't say anything until I write my own story, but I have yet to read a story from my class that actually moved me.

okay, rant over. I don't even know what to say any more.

This also makes me appreciate music a whole lot more.

Current Mood: bitchy

I know the last thing to tell a guy is "you're doing it wrong."

So what the hell am I supposed to do instead?

Current Mood: contemplative

So I kind of never got around to finishing that last "concert review" for ML...but basically, I met Alicia and her mom in Hartford, we handed out nearly 100 masks to the crowd, and it was AMAZING to see that while they were playing River People.

I knew about my interview at RVC in London first, at the end of November. But the first school I got a definite answer from was Cornell...and it was a big fat no thanks, which at the time REALLY fucking sucked because it's my in-state. Seriously, if I get rejected from my own state school, how the HELL am I supposed to get into any other school? It didn't help that I got a rejection from frickin' Minnesota next. Although given their method of admissions, I'm really not surprised I got rejected. At least I heard about more interviews after...Illinois and Tufts! And of course, all three of those interviews are within one week.

I think the highlight of my life was getting the admission from RVC the morning after my interview. The interview was a bit nerve-wracking, asking about vertebrate anatomy and biochemistry. I was definitely not expecting it, but at least I knew the answers to what they asked. If only my other interviews went as well...I got waitlisted at Illinois, and I have yet to hear from Tufts. I just REALLY hope that they green-light me, because I found (in the same day) that I got rejected (without even an INTERVIEW!) from Penn, my next top choice, and then an interview from Tennessee.

Surprisingly, if I really do like Tennessee, I might give it some serious consideration. The girl I'm staying with while I'm there is REALLY nice, and she's going to show me around and she might actually convince me to go there. Illinois really sucked, mostly because I was alone and I really didn't get to see a whole lot. But I think I might go with life's curveball this one time.

Current Mood: anxious

Get ready to read the longest concert review ever...because really, it's a week of my life. One of the best weeks EVER.

So I could say the craziness of my week started last Thursday, Nov. 8. I HAD to go home because Nov. 9 was Diwali, but I wouldn't be there for that (more on that later). I don't remember what exactly I had to do that day; all I remember is that it was a LOT. But I got home and just sort of hung out with my parents for a bit. Spent some time with Farrah while my parents were at Gita class, then went back home. The next day, we set up a little bit for Diwali until we left the house around 5 to go do a pooja at the office. Why we did this, I have no idea. We've never done this before, but I guess at least this way I was part of a Diwali pooja. From there, my parents dropped me off at the L where I would go back to school for a "meeting," and they went home.

Except that I didn't go to a meeting. Nope--I went first to an art store to get a blank book, and then back to my room to pack/dress/get eyelinered. By the time I left my place, it was before 7, which was right around when Sharon called me and told me they opened the doors. I wasn't particularly worried, since Madina Lake was going on last, and I knew the bus shouldn't take more than a half hour. Then I got to Port Authority and was FUCKED. There was the longest line EVER for the 165 going to NJ, because some shuttle bus was cancelled. And so I waited on line for well over an hour, during which time I loaded the Auspice. I finally got to the front of the line, but only 128 buses and not the 165 show up. So I finally find a NJ Transit worker to help me, and he tells me that I should go to where the 165 express is, where there is NO line, but still another 45 minute wait for the bus to get there (which was late). Once I finally got the bus, however, it was pretty smooth. The driver (and fellow passengers) were really nice about helping me out, and even though I had to walk nearly a mile in the rain, it wasn't too bad with the poncho, except that my Chucks got SOAKED. Totally not the right shoes to wear in the rain. But I got to the School of Rock okay, just as Mayday Parade was ending. By the time I stripped off my extra layers and organized what I wanted to check in and what I wanted to keep on me, Mayday Parade was over, and I had to squish into the crowd as best as I could for a sold-out show. I somehow managed to get into the third row without pushing anyone else out of the way--it seemed that spaces would just open up, somehow. I see Sharon, way off to the left (Matthew's side) way up front, but I can't get her attention. And I spot Sera and Rob right in front of me (but at the stage), so I manage to catch their attention, but there's not much we can do, separated by a row of people. Madina Lake finally comes out after setting up, and...yeah. They're AMAZING. They open with Adalia, and of course Nathan does his first jump. Then they go to One Last Kiss, and from there they just go crazy--and so do I. Like most shows, I'm so lost in the music and the energy that after it's done, I can barely remember what happened. I do remember Nathan disappearing during True Love, apparently to jump off a speaker somewhere far off to the side. I don't know how, but twice Nathan's crotch ended up right in my face, and I just sort of cringed. And Mateo was SO into it--he jumped backwards into the crowd, and we just threw him right back up on stage. They finished with their NIN cover, and I went all out on that song because I freaking LOVE it, and they had left the stage, but right as they left the ENTIRE crowd starting chanting for ONE MORE SONG...and they did it! They came out, and they fucking played Escape From Here. I could not believe they played it...and of course, I went CRAZY. Of course, most people around me seemed pretty clueless about it, but whatever. I sang along like the nutjob I am.

Once they finished, I found Sharon, who had no idea that I had made it. We chilled for a little while, and then we sort of split up, when I saw D. It was so surreal--the crowds of people were just parting, and there was no way he could have not seen me. So he comes up to me and he's all "hey, what's up?" and hugs me, and me, but I'm so dead from March of the Pigs and then Escape From Here that I just sort of drop my head onto his shoulder. He whines for a second about how they don't let him into the backstage area, and then he just disappears. I'm guessing he didn't want any awkward introductions between me and his new girlfriend, which kind of sucked because I was looking forward to meeting her and tearing her apart...I mean...being all nice to her.

So then I see this girl sitting on the side of the stage, looking in pretty bad shape. And Sera is there next to her, so I go up and say hey. I think it's Jinx, but I'm not entirely sure. It looks like she has a concussion, and I ask her if there's anything I can do, and she says she needs some ice, so I go off to do what I can. Turns out that there is no ice, but I see Sharon and we chill for a bit before I go back to tell Jinx the bad news. We sit and chill for awhile, and Chizel comes out right in that area, so we've got everyone crowding around us to meet him. I put him on the phone with Farrah, and they chat for a bit. Eventually, security moves to kick us out, so Jinx limps out, and we wait for the guys to come out while Jinx chills in Sera's car. I also see Dizzy, Paige, Parke, and a bunch of other people who I don't know at the time. I split my time between Sharon and co. (Lisa, Vinny, Alexis, etc.), and Sera's car. Eventually, we figure that we should take Jinx to the hospital, since she's not getting any better. Matthew comes over at one point to say hey and to apologize, since she got hurt when Nathan kicked her crowdsurfing. He also said that Madina Lake will definitely pay any hospital bills she might have, which was nice but probably unnecessary for Jinx--I think she loves those guys too much to make them pay.

So all of us that are staying at Sera's house--that's Sera (obv), Jinx, Juli (Dan's cousin), and Dizzy pile into Sera and Juli's cars and we go to the hospital, where they admit Jinx immediately, although it was really weird, because none of us know shit about Jinx's personal info (home phone number, address, who we should contact in case of an emergency, etc.) So we end up staying there until 5:30, so by the time we finally get back to Sera's house, it's 6:30 in the morning, and we probably don't go to sleep until 7. We decide to wake up at 11 and leave at 12 for the 2:00 show in Philly.

So we mostly get up at 11, but Sera and Jinx aren't ready until a little after 1. Then we get outside and find Juli's keys locked in her car (through absolutely no fault of her own). After nearly an hour of struggling, we finally manage to get the door open, and we're off for Philly a little after 2. Dizzy's all sad that we're gonna miss We The Kings, but we figure that we should at least get there in time for Madina Lake. Getting to Philly was actually really easy, and the Troc was really easy to get to off the highway. Then we decide that we don't want to park in the super-expensive parking next door, and that's where our troubles start. Juli, our Philly guide, takes the lead, but I'm guessing she wasn't too familiar with this area of Philly, because I know we're going further and further away from the Troc, and I also know how to get back. So I tell Sera to ditch Juli (sorry Jules!!) and we manage to find parking at nearly half the price less than a block away. We get there, and then Dizzy has guestlist issues, so Sera and I run inside to try and find Swick. Once again, Mayday Parade is just ending as we get there. First we find Shprockets, and then we find Swick, who just goes down and get Dizzy, leaving me feeling that it was way too easy. Back inside the obscenely narrow and oddly designed venue, I'm getting restless waiting for Mayday to finish, so I go get a drink in the back area. It would have been really cool because that's where all the bands were hanging out, except that it was 21+ and no one I was with was 21. So I go get my Malibu pineapple and guzzle it so I can head back out, where I become the designated asker of the question, "what language do you think in?" to Mateo. Juli and Jinx just make it in as Madina Lake starts, at which point I decide that I don't want to stand in the back, so I try to squeeze on up. At one point, I'm next to some douchebag whose wife is on the other side of him, with a great big open space in front of her. I try to squeeze past him when I see that she's not moving up, so he's getting all offended--"where do you think you're going? In front of my wife?" and it's like YEAH, jerk, I am--there's a large open space RIGHT in front of her and she's not taking it. Of course, at that point, she steps forward, so I drop it. Turns out there's more space on the other side anyways, and I get a spot a few rows away against the wall on the side. And the venue is so tiny that it doesn't frickin matter. However, the stage had a weird wooden frame thing that Mateo got hidden behind, so I barely got to see him even though I was on his side. That show was fucking NUTS--during True Love, Nathan first crawled over the crowd to get to the balcony where the entrance is. He then climbed up that and flipped into the crowd from there. Apparently, while he was up there, he told Jinx (who was standing on said balcony) that he wouldn't kick anyone in the head this time.

So after the show, we're hanging around and waiting for everyone else to leave so we can talk to the guys, but security tells us to leave before we get the chance. So we hang around outside for awhile, and we see the guys and talk to them for a bit. We find their RV and chill for awhile as the guys load up, and then I saw it. A fucking CRAB crawling on the sidewalks of Philadelphia. At first I thought it was tarantula, but it was an escapee from the fresh fish/seafood store that we were standing in front of. We were gonna return it, but they told us to keep it. Juli decided to take it home with her, and we showed it to all the guys, who freaked out, especially Chizel. Mateo decided to stick his face into it and get as close as possible, proclaiming that it was gross.

Once the guys take off, we head to Juli's house so she can check on her [psycho] cat. We had decided to go chill at Dizzy's house after the show, and I could take the bus back to NYC from Reading, but the earliest bus I could take is 7 AM the next day and it wouldn't get me back until 3 the next afternoon, which I just couldn't do. As we're waiting there for my train to go back to Philly (so I can take the bus back to NYC), I see some pictures on her bookshelf and I ask, "Do you have any pictures of dan as a kid?" Sera looks at me in shock, and I don't understand why what I've said is so offensive. Say it out loud, fast, and then you'll get it. I had to explain that not only did I NOT ask for pictures of Dan naked, but I do NOT WANT pictures of dan naked. Only as a kid.

So I finally get the train from Juli's place back to Philly, and the bus station is right there, so I get my ticket, go to McDonald's (only because I know what's there and it has SOME non-meat items, unlike the snack bar at the bus station) and wait for my 11 PM bus. Which doesn't leave until midnight. I get back to NYC a little before 2, which was nice, but then I don't end up sleeping until about 5.

Sunday was crazy--I slept as late as possible, but I had to get up to go meet my parents for lunch (which is why I couldn't stay at Dizzy's). Then I have to study like crazy for my Genetics midterm the next day, and I'll find out tomorrow how I did on that. I'm thinking not so good, because even though I was up until 5 studying, I didn't know shit. I was one of the first ones finished, not because I knew what I was doing, but because I was so clueless that I was wasting time sitting there. So I go to meet Farrah by my place, and I get ready and gather the necessary crap (including the Auspice, which I am intent on delivering today, and the Bon Bon Bum for Mateo) and we head out to meet Brandon. It turns out we have to come back anyways, because we needs to drop his stuff off. So then we go back out to Roadrunner to pick up swag/posters, since I was working that show, and I also get a bunch of CDs I earned from other shit. So we have to go back AGAIN to drop off the CDs and get some sticky tack for the posters. We finally go to Knitting, and a block before we get to the place, who do we see but Nathan, Matthew, and Dan!! We run up to the guys, who are meeting other people, and me, being the geek I am, start handing out badges to the people already there. We chill with them, and then it turns out the guys have to head back to the Knitting Factory anyways, so we walk back with them. Nathan is way up front, Chizel is a little ahead of us, and Matthew's way back. Walking on the sidewalk, Nathan sees something and looks a bit surprised/grossed out. Chizel sees it and jumps a foot in the air. And then we see and go awww! Turns out it's a rat running on the street. And then, for whatever reason, Farrah attempts a long jump which Matthew notices and makes some comment (can't quite remember what it is).

We finally find Knitting, and Sharon and her friends are there, where they've been waiting since 12:30 (it was about 4:00). I hand out badges to everyone already on line, and then I ask if we can go in to put up posters. She tells me the Roadrunner guestlist isn't there yet, but I can put up posters and if I'm not on the list, then they'll kick me out. So I get Farrah to help me, and while we're doing shit, Matthew kind of leans over and says, "Thank you guys so much for doing this for us." And we're just like, No man, thank YOU for being an awesome band!! At some point, Nathan came up to us too, and we talked for a bit, and then we talked to Chizel too. Mateo was MIA. But it was fun watching Chizel giving his drums some TLC--kind of sweet in a maternal way. And once we finish postering, we can give our full attention to the guys doing soundcheck, which was way fun, but would have been even more awesome if Farrah had been cool and rocked out with me in the big open space that we have. Eventually, she went back out because Brandon was getting a little fed up with waiting outside by himself, and she felt bad, so of course I went with her so I wouldn't be alone inside. Then Heff shows up, and Sera and Jinx are with him, so they all go in, and I'm left waiting for Farrah and Brandon to get back from Dunkin Donuts because Brandon has my wristlet with my ID, which I need because I want my 21+ wristband. So I go inside and wait some more, and then eventually the meet and greet people come in, so I know the show will be starting sometime soon. However, when the meet and greeters leave the show room, they aren't sent back on line--they're stamped and send right back into the Main Space, so I slip on in with them. I get the spot I wanted, which is right between where Nathan and Mateo will be. And thankfully, I can put my wristlet on the stage, because there's a tiny space between the edge of the stage and the lightbox in front of me. Then Sharon and co (and Farrah) show up, and Alexis is little upset because they had been standing on line for hours to be front row, and all these people who showed up at 5:30 get the front row instead. It's completely understandable that she's upset--I would be too, but she starts getting upset at Swick, and it's completely not his fault. I tell her to lay off him, that he has nothing to do with it, but she's still upset. I guess if I was feeling really magnanimous, I would have given her my spot, but it was my first ML show on tour where I was finally up front, and I wasn't giving this up.

So finally We The Kings come out, and they're really great live--I'm thoroughly impressed and am now a fan. I understand why Dizzy was upset that we missed them in Philly, and I'm glad I got to see them live. Plus, their bassist had an Om on his bass! Next up was Powerspace. Before they started, they were checking their instruments, and they all walked off for a few minutes, and while they did, the bassist asked if I could do him a favor--to hold his bass!! I flipped out and was all over it. Pictures of me with it exist somewhere, that much I know. Once they started, I got into them too--their lead singer is crazy flexible, and their guitarist, Tom, is just AMAZING. He had this crazy-ass solo that was REALLY long during one of their songs, and I was completely floored by it. Again, another band that I'm now really into. Mayday Parade was up next, and sadly, they were the one disappointment of the night. I didn't particularly enjoy their set, but at least it gave me a chance to rest before Madina Lake (although I was being shoved against the stage like crazy).

And then Madina Lake started. Or so we thought. They had some issues, but they got that sorted out quickly and then started for real. And again, it was crazy amazing. Nathan started out by giving us all water, and he got some people to splash him, but we were so hot and thirsty that we just drank it all. I managed to catch one bottle which I really had to fight for, but I don't feel bad because the bitch I fought it for was one who had taken a water bottle before and didn't drink it, but just stowed it in her bag. I have an issue with people who can't share. I took a sip and passed it back to Farrah, and then around to everyone else who needed.

Mateo was REALLY into it that day. He went fucking crazy, and kicked the now-empty box of water bottles right into my head. It doesn't sound bad, but when one of those sharp corners bounces off the very center of your forehead, it's not that great. And of course, I just didn't care--but I was glad to see Swick pull it off stage when it bounced back. But he didn't just jump around and kick shit--he was totally into the crowd, getting RIGHT in our faces, fucking up our hair, and at one point, he even grabbed and kissed my hand. Matthew came over to our side plenty, and Nathan was right in front (or slightly off to the side) plenty. Before they started, we shouted to Chizel, and we actually did get his attention. It was sweetness. Before they played True Love, Nathan told us that he was going to do something stupid, and that he needed our help doing this "something stupid." So right when the breakdown of True Love starts, he runs off the stage with Swick, and I know where he's going. They told him NOT to do this during soundcheck, but I know that the next place I would see him is up on the second floor balcony. And there he is. Right before he jumps, he has this weird expression on his face, though--almost like he's afraid that he won't make it, or that there aren't enough people. But he jumps anyways, and the crowd takes him right back to the stage. Then, all too soon, it's time for March of the Pigs, and as much as I love this song, I had to leave so I could hand out swag. There was no way I was getting out from behind (I was being shoved up against the stage the ENTIRE time, and the only reason I don't have bigger bruises on my hipbones is because Farrah totally stepped up and protected me this time). So I jumped up on stage, with Farrah and Sharon helping me, and proceed to almost fall into Mateo's guitar in order to get off stage. I was okay during the show, but now I'm feeling so dead that I can barely walk in a straight line. I grab my swag from Shprockets, who was uber cool in letting me leave it by him, and head out to find Heff waiting as well. It turns out that I probably didn't even have to leave early, because no one started coming out until well after March of the Pigs finished. So people are leaving, and I'm handing out my shit, when who should come by but Mateo! I apologize to him for almost falling into him, and he's totally and completely cool with it. Heff takes off, so I figured everyone who wants a badge has got one, and I head back in to meet the guys and give them the Auspice, which Farrah has (thankfully) already inflated. I also get most of them to take pictures with the ML <3 RP sign for Mandy's River People album. I also finally get myself a ML hoodie, the new black one with the stars and zodiac and weird lighthouse type thing. I was waiting to get the guys together to give them the auspice, but I could only get two at a time, so I eventually get Nathan and Mateo. They were both pretty impressed with the giant balloon, and I have video of it on youtube. I also gave Mateo the Bon Bon Bum that Ana gave me, and he FLIPPED OUT. He couldn't believe that I had one, and told me how impossible those things were to find. I figured that if he did like it, he would be sort of happy, but I couldn't believe how freaking excited he got over a single lollipop.

Once we left, we actually found Dan, so we took a few crazy pictures. I also managed to get all of them to sign my used, internet-bought copy of The Disappearance of Adalia, just because I'm awesome like that. So we finally left, and it was drizzling, and of course we couldn't find a decent place to eat...there wasn't a single diner or anything open around my place, so we ended up going to Taco Bell. I had been STARVING, but I definitely ordered way too much for myself anyways. Once we get back, we still don't go to sleep--first I recruit them into helping me hang up the De Novo Dahl door hangers, then we just chill and talk for awhile. Eventually, we go to sleep, and in the morning, we get our diner food. I thought I would go to class, but I'm so late that I decide to just skip it, and instead Farrah and I go to Mavi, where I found out that my body shape is no longer in style.

Being Tuesday, I have nothing again until my guitar lesson. However, a little before then, I get a call from the volunteer director of North Shore Animal League, where I had both worked and volunteered.

And here's where I'm gonna say it's past 6 AM and I really need to sleep. I'll finish this tomorrow.

Current Mood: satisfied

I've come to realize that the very best part about volunteering at the marathon is a tired, triumphant smile from a passing finisher.

Then, of course, there are the ones whose chips I've clipped and are so incredibly greatful that they don't have to bend down themselves. And also the incredibly random but cool people I met volunteering. Plus, it really motivated me to want to run it one day.

Some day.

I guess I should mention AJ and I drunkenly hooked up...lol. It was weeks ago, and while I did used to have a crush on him way back when, I realized that I couldn't ever see us as a couple. It's a good thing he felt the same way, because it would have been really awkward if he didn't. The strange thing is, I forget pretty easily that we did that.

And I have way too much trouble forgetting about D. That douchebag. Thanks for FINALLY telling me you have a girlfriend. I mean, I already figured you did, but you FAIL EPICLY at letting me know this. And don't give me bullshit about wanting to be friends when you couldn't care less about me. Would you have told me about her if I hadn't pushed so hard? Seriously...were you planning on bringing her to the show without even telling me about her? Because it's a week away, and I don't know when the hell you would have had the chance.

Vet school apps are done and in, but it STILL isn't over because this semester's grades still count. FUCK. YOU.

I feel dead inside right now.

Current Mood: numb

Because she's the one who found this little article in the New York Times about musicians and comic books:

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/10/20/books/20comi.html

So yeah...D has been a major disappointment. I had really high hopes for him, and I thought that this would actually go somewhere, especially after our first "date." I've had bad dates, and that wasn't it, so I'm not quite sure what the hell is going on. If he's not as into me as he says, then why does he say the things he does, and act like he does when he's with me? And if he really is into me, then why the hell would be blow me off? TWICE????

The first time, at least I got a last-minute text message. The second time, he didn't even call the day before he was supposed to come...and that was a few days ago. I still haven't heard from him, and I have no idea what is going on. I know that unless he has damn good reasons, what he did is REALLY fucking inconsiderate, and if I had any sort of self respect, I would end it now. What makes it even worse is that I really had faith in him to come through. I'm always a pessimist; I may hope for the best but I expect the worst, and after our first date, I was so pleasantly surprised I figured...what the heck. I'll trust in him to come through for me. And when he bailed on me the first time, I thought it's okay; he promised he would make it up. He PROMISED. Even if he didn't give an explanation. Or an apology.

Then he finally called, and we talked, and it was amazingly fun and he said he missed me and I fell for it...and so when he said we'd do something on Saturday, and he'd call on Friday, I believed him. I knew that he would. But then my call on Wednesday, about the Dropkick Murphys, was unreturned, and so was Thursday's call about Farrah's birthday. Friday came and left, and finally, on Saturday evening, I had to concede that he wasn't going to call. I think in the space of three days, I went from really sad, to angry, to disappointed, and now I'm just sad again that he's not here. I fucking want to be with him, but if he doesn't have a good explanation for what the fuck just happened, I'm not putting myself through this, and I hope he can understand that. It's not about punishing him; it's the fact that, from now on, it's very possible that I will have stuck in my head the idea that no matter what, he is likely to blow off our plans. And that's a really crappy kind of relationship to be in.

So what do I do? Should I swallow my pride and give him one more chance, if I ever hear from him again? Or do I do the smart, strong thing and tell him to fuck off?

Current Mood: disappointed

Wow...I'm like the worst kind of nerd.

To keep track of these palpitations, I'm going to record them here.
Time: about 1:15
doing: cutting toenails, bent over
duration: over a minute
stopped suddenly when I placed my hand on my chest
possible causes: school, meds, being bent over?

Well. I'm going to start all the way at how I could even go.

I was thinking about going to this one (in Holmdel, NJ on August 29) for a long-ass time, but I didn't want to tell my parents. I mean, another concert? In NJ, on public transportation? No way. But it's after I move back into school, so it was manageable. And THEN I found out that Raksha Bhandhan is the night before, so I need to convince my parents, somehow, that I need to come back the night before. So I told them that I had an appointment with the Writing Center on Wednesday morning.

Farrah ends up buying the tickets in person, and on wed morning, we make plans to meet in the city. Dizzy, coming from PA, has to come to NYC to get to NJ, so Farrah gets our train tickets from Penn while I meet Dizzy at Port Authority. Unfortunately, her bus is a little late and we have to HAUL ASS to get to Penn on time, and we barely made it. But we DID make it!!! So after our hour-long journey in which we complete the card, we find that the shuttle bus at the train station isn't really running two hours before the show, so we get a taxi to the show, where we meet Sera and her friend Rob. And also Sharon and her cousin. So we're waiting and waiting and waiting some more, and doors JUST open when some gigantic woman comes hurtling out of the crowd and falls right down next to me. Then I see she landed on top of a little girl, and I was like, are you all right? And she says no, so I'm yelling for help, and eventually the girl gets carried inside. So Farrah and I (and eventually, Rian) get inside, and we run like morons to the Revolution stage, and then some dude with a bullhorn tells us not to run. But we get there, we get barrier, and the show was amazing. The guys definitely recognized Sera and Dizzy, which was fun to see. Nathan did his trademark stage-dive, which was ridiculous to see, especially because he had no shoes on. And then, all too soon, it was over. We wanted to meet them, but the line was ridiculously long, so we sat in the shade until they came, and then when Matthew and Chizel finally appeared, we just went and stood by them at their tent. Then some guy came over and started talking to Sera. Some guy who was kind of cute. And then he started hitting on me. And I have to say, I kind of liked it. So I "hit back," and went with it. It turns out that he used to be in Reforma, and he's friends with the band. We exchange numbers, and he says he's gonna call me. Anyways, I leave briefly, and I come back to find that the guys have gone, but they promised that they'd be back. We walk around for awhile, but pretty soon we decide that we need to eat something, because I'm dying. The food line didn't seem that long, but it took forever, and by the time we ate and I felt better, Julien-K was playing. We knew we didn't want to watch the bands we didn't like, so we walked for a little bit, but then just sat down to relax. In the meantime, I had heard that the guys had left for good, but I didn't believe that. So I had been walking around, and I look in the VIP area, and what do I see but a white trailer, and a GREEN VAN!!!! I get Farrah and Sharon, and we yell for Nathan, who we saw, and he came over to us and accepted the gifts as we made a video. The other girls were watching HIM, so I called them and they came, and they told me to call Damon to get us in--which he did!! Seriously, that guy is awesome. So we chilled with Dan and Nathan for awhile (btw Dan is amazing and I love him), and then security tells us we need to leave if we don't have passes. He assures us that we can get back in from the main gate if we leave from the side, but we go there and they tell us we're not allowed back in if we've already been scanned. So we go back and forth a bunch of times, and eventually Nathan comes over, and he talks to the security guard. He gets Steve to talk to the security guard. The guard says no, but then Nathan asks who he should talk to, and between him and Steve, they must have spend a good forty five minutes talking to people, and eventually we get back in. Seriously, they did more than they should have, and for that, I will never forget them and I can never thank them enough. They say we mean everything to them, and we really do.

The next afternoon, I get a text from Damon, saying he was glad to meet me, and asking if I had a good time. I call him back, we talk, and I invite him to Susie's housewarming party. Which was today (technically, yesterday). I had all these doubts--like maybe he had beer goggles when he first saw me, or he wouldn't want to hang out with people my age (he is definitely older), and just general shit like that. But it was fun. And amazing. We talked about so much shit, and being a bit drunk just sort of opened us up some more. I can't wait to see him again, and I think he feels the same.

Current Mood: ecstatic

As I said before, Projekt: Revolution is big enough to get its own entry. For factual accuracy, it was at the Nikon at Jones Beach Theater, in Wantagh, on August 15.

It was AMAZING. Farrah and I made our own t-shirts, which said "Beware of the River People..." on the front, and "We Crawl in Your Head" on the back. We left around 9:30, with everything BUT sharpies...I dunno what I was thinking. We must have gotten there around 10, and there was no one there. Well, almost no one. We just walked right up to the entrance and hung out, ate our orange slices and pb&j sandwiches, and chilled. When people did start coming, they made one huge line at one single gate, which made us wonder why on Earth they would do that when there were seven other gates. And then the security considered opening only that one gate, which made us furious, because we'd been waiting there for hours and would be getting in after people who'd been waiting for like a half hour, and we might not get our spots at the barricade. Finally, security decided to be not stupid, and let us in, and we were the second and fourth people in. Finding the Revolution stage was a little tricky, but we did end up being the second and third people at the stage, which means we had PERFECT spots RIGHT where we wanted them--between Matthew and Nathan. I saw Nathan before they started, and we took pictures of the stage before they went on to get all the "MADINA LAKE" inscribed gear. And so we waited for another half hour.

AND THEN THEY CAME ON!!!! I can't say it was their best show; I think the show at the school of rock was better, but my position this time was infinitely better, and the crowd was totally mild compared to the School of Rock. Matthew definitely looked right at me a few times, and I must have smiled wide enough to split my head open. Or look like a teenie. Nathan was awesome and threw out water bottles for us, which I caught in my first amazing catch for the day. I can barely even remembered what happened, but I did get Matthew's pick, which was my second awesome catch for the day! I feel guilty about it, though, because I know he meant it for Annie, but the damn thing came towards me and I made that awesome catch! And later, when I got it signed by him, he even complimented the awesome catch.

So then they finished, and we totally bounced to hang out by their tent, where they would be signing later. I finally actually met and talked to Annie, and we basically sat under their tent for two hours until they came out. And then it went nut. Seriously--people were all over the twins, and Farrah and I gave our gift of stars to Nathan because he had his backpack, so we got our pics/autographs of them (on our posters) and then contented ourselves to hang out near them in the shade by the wall. We wanted to talk to Chizel too, but he was actually having conversation with people from Roadrunner, and we didn't want to interrupt. But finally we did, and he signed our posters and our awesome t-shirts, which he loved. And then when the crowd around the twins thinned out a little bit, we got them to sign our t-shirts, and then we FINALLY found Mateo. It turns out he hurt his neck, which must have been why he was in hiding, but he didn't have a sharpie on him, and neither did we, so we couldn't get him to sign our posters OR our t-shirts, which sucked.

And then we hung around and paid exorbitant amounts of money for pizza as we waited for My Chemical Romance.

And it was TOTALLY worth the wait and the money. They sounded amazing, and Gerard's voice was actually really amazing. The seats were a little annoying, but after a few songs I just got up and started moving around anyways. Sadly, there was little to no Frerard, just Gerard banging Frankie's head for him, but they were still amazingly awesome. Gerard's intro of Matt Cortez was ace--"who plays like he's in Pantera and makes love like he's in...the BeeGees I don't even know what the fuck that means." And his Ma and Mikey+Alicia were there (but of course not playing), so that was kind of cool. Especially when Gerard was yelling like a little kid to his mom, "No Ma! You gotta see it from the front--you can't see it from the side!" That was so cute. And the part about how we all feel like friends, like we're taking a bath together. Farrah has plenty of video, which may or may not include the awesomeness that is Gerard live, but we tried.

And then Linkin Park came on, and it was obvious that this was their show. The ENTIRE STADIUM stood up, and even we did, despite the fact that I'm not too into LP. And then we left after about four songs. They weren't horrible, but they're not My Chem, either.

And I can't wait until August 29, when I can go again!!!

Current Mood: happy

I have so much shit to say, but P:R will still get its own entry.

My trip to India was...well, short. I only went for two weeks to begin with, and then I was sick for four or five days, and I was jetlagged for the first two or three days, so yeah...I might as well have been there for a week. And I thought I would get really really sad and cry when I went into Ma's room and she wasn't there, but they changed it. And I felt something, that tug in my heart that let me know that she did mean something and that I do miss her, but it was nowhere near as strong as I thought it would be.

What did almost make me cry was the way my Naniji got sick and was pretty sure she would be better off dead. She kept saying how useless life is at that old age, and that she can't do anything more, but it only lasted a few days. Still, I know have a fairly solid fear of growing old and useless planted in my head. I don't want to not be able to take care of myself, to move around and feed myself or even be unable to breath on my own.

The other weird thing about my trip was how much time I didn't spend at Chachaji's. Our first night was at Indira Mausi's in Benares, and then we spent one night at Chachaji's, and then learned the next morning that Naniji had taken a turn for the worse and so we spent the next few days at Ashok Marg, where both Mom and I got sick. I then went to Hemant Mamaji's for a few days, and then I lose track--I'm not sure where I was and when, but I do know I spent more time at Ashok Marg, and then B-49, and then Hemant Mamaji's, and I don't know the exact order. I don't think I've ever bounced around quite like that before, and certainly not in India, without my parents. I spent plenty of time without my mom. And the I left on time, and she stayed a week late to take care of "business."

And I got nothing done in that extra week except go to Warped. Which was fun, but with Jenn, it wasn't as great as it could have been. That was my first concert without Farrah, and maybe it would have been better, but Jenn is just too...I guess hypersensitive and overly cynical to get into things too much. Plus, she's all about going by the book, which sort of sucks sometimes. At least I found a new band I liked, Forever the Sickest Kids. But because it was Jenn's "anniversary weekend," she could only stay for a few hours, so of course we missed all the big sets, like New Found Glory, and Alkaline Trio (which she wanted to see), but got there too late for Boys Like Girls. Figures.

As for the random crap...I don't think my mom understands why I don't like working in the kitchen with her. She doesn't understand that it's not something I particularly enjoy to begin with, and her nitpicking about everything and making the experience even a little unpleasant does nothing to make me want to go back into the kitchen again.

And my dad as GOT to get over his "you need to ASK me before you do anything" bit. It's my life. I'm twenty fucking years old. Deal with it.

Friday night was Roopa's 21st birthday party. It's not like we're particularly close or anything, but this is Roopa we're talking about. There's no way I couldn't go. So I went. And I thought, 'Oh, I'll have to have fun--there's no way I won't.' But of course, with none of my friends there, it was not so great. I felt totally out of place, being there with all the people who she's friends with now, who mostly know each other. And I didn't like how, because I wasn't dressed in what I suppose would have been optimal club/bar/lounge-ish type "going out" wear, I felt sort of out of place. And how I feel like I had to drink to have a good time.

I found myself missed the rock show, where I probably go wearing almost anything and not give a shit. Where its impossible to feel left out, because there's so much energy that you have to get into it. Admittedly, the focus of the two activities is completely different. Going out means interacting with other people, so it's comfy to have your homies so you don't feel alone. Your attention is on other people in the room, which for the most part means that guys are looking to get a hot girl, and girls are looking to get decent guys. Or get drunk. And dance. But that usually needs people you know. Rock shows, on the other hand, have people focused on the band playing. So no one gives a fuck about how the next person dresses. It doesn't matter how you act, because it's lost in the crowd. And when it's a band like Madina Lake, they care about you, and make you feel like a part of them. There is no "rejection."

I should just forget about going out and go to rock shows every weekend. Even if I don't know who's playing. Just for fun.

Current Mood: disappointed

I went to see Madina Lake on Friday, June 8.  It was the BEST NIGHT OF MY LIFE.  Even better than Bamboozle. 

So I guess I've been ODing on My Chemical Romance, but I've sort of been getting in Madina Lake a bit more lately.  When I saw they were playing in NJ, I thought it was a long shot, but it turned out to be the perfect timing for me to go, and I did.  I am SO glad that I did, because it was amazing.  I had been too stupid at Bamboozle to meet them, but I did on Friday.  And I gave them a gift. 

Well, here's what happened:

I got home around 6ish, showered, ate, and picked up my friends and headed to Hackensack, NJ in...yup...the FamilyMobile.  Of course, even at  7:30, there's traffic on the cross-bronx expressway, so we don't get there until after the first band finishes, around 8:30/9ish.  There's one more band, Emanuel, before Madina Lake.  So we stood around towards the back and waited for them to finish, and as soon as they did, we moved up, but of course, all the smart people were already in the front for Emanuel so that they'd be right up by the stage for Madina Lake.  It's ok though; we ended up being about 3 rows back and definitely touched Nathan...hehe. 

Finally, Madina Lake came on, and they ROCKED the HOUSE.  I have no other words for it.  They are such an amazing live act--they will definitely win fans at Projekt Revolution.  Nathan stage-dove a few times, which was sweet.  Unfortunately, a bunch of other people decided it would be awesome to crowdsurf, too.  I mean, Nathan did say to "get up on your friend's shoulders" and shit, but some people just kept doing it over and over and over.  And there was this annoying asian dude who decided it would be awesome to sing with Nathan.  Which it wasn't.  But i did do it once, just for the experience.  And it wasn't all that great.  I probably on spent a few seconds up there anyways, because I was so close to the stage. 

At one point, while Nathan was crowdsurfing, he grabbed my wrist and didn't let go.  The funny thing is, at first, I didn't even realize it was him.  Then I thought he was trying to push it away.  Finally I realized he was purposely holding on, and I squee'ed like a little fangirl.  I'm really psyched about PR, because he confirmed my prediction that they would be playing first, so they'd be available pretty much the WHOLE DAY to chill.

Anyways, afterwards, they were doing this autograph-signing thing.  Earlier, some dude from FYE was selling the album and saying that whoever bought it would get to meet them, and those without wristbands might not get to meet them due to time constraints.  So when I saw Matthew backstage going to the signing, I knew I shouldn't but I had to--I called out to him so I could at least give them my gift of orange wedges.  So I said hi, and mentioned seeing them at Bamboozle, and the Fear Factor e-mail, and he remembered me!  And then I gave him the oranges, and at first he was like, "No way!"  And I thought he was serious...as in, "are you fucking kidding me?"  But then he went on and I realized he was just really really happy to get them.  And that made me even happier.  And then he hugged me, of his own volition, without me even asking!!!  I got on line for the signing anyways, because I figured why not, and I did get them to sign my album cover.  And I don't know why, but I was really shy in front of Dan and Mateo.  I wish I wasn't, but I guess I can try to remedy that at PR.  And I asked Nathan for a hug, and I thought he didn't hear me, but he got up and he hugged me, and it was amazing. 

I'm actually a little bit scared that they're going on PR.  They're going to be exposed to SO MANY people, and they're going to get huge.  And then they won't be able to meet fans like they are now, which is a little saddening, but I guess it's natural.  I should just be happy that I got to meet them, and if they get big, that they got the chance to be successful. 

Current Mood: ecstatic

Any time we get into an argument, my dad always says, "When have I ever NOT let you do something?"  And the sad thing is, I could never give an example.  The problem is, he's always so halfway about things.  Like this upstate internship.  Yes, he let me go, but I can't stay with the vet, like every other intern did.  No, we have to stay at a stupid motel where I can't go on emergency calls, where I can't play with her cat and dogs, where I can't pick fresh garden vegetables and stargaze with her husband. 

But I think what bothers me most (at least this week) is how he can't just let go.  This internship is TWO FUCKING WEEKS and he can't be without my mom.  I know it's going to be cheesy, but Give 'em Hell, Kid is just too true:

If you were here
I'd never have a fear
So go on, live your life
But I miss you more than I did yesterday
You're so far away
So come on, show me how
'Cuz I mean this more than words could ever say

Although, it sort of applies more to my mom than to me.  But I wish he could say this to me one day.  If I ever have kids, I hope to god that I'll be able to let them go when the time comes. 

Because my dad can't stand to be alone for two WHOLE weeks, my mom and I have returned from my internship upstate for this weekend.  I've been riding along with a ruminant animal vet (who for now will be referred to as the vet).  She is an absolutely amazing person, and I can understand why her other interns loved her so much.  If I wrote about everything that happened, I would go on forever.  What I will really want to remember is what I learned and what I felt. 

While the vet is a great teacher, mentor, and person, I don't think I could do what she does.  I enjoy the work with most animals, and in fact I even enjoy working with the people.  These owners are really kind (although that may just be a function of the whole "small town" hospitality that exists), but that's not all.  They actually want to take care of their animals, and they listen to the vet.  Maybe their animals are for food or milk or for show, but they do their best to do right by their animals and those animals probably get better medical care than their suburban counterparts.  Not only that, but they actually know a decent amount of medicine, enough to understand how important the vet is and how they should value her advice. 

The one problem is cows.  It's not that I don't like cows.  I actually kind of like the cows.  The problem is how we work with cows.  As the vet said, "the business end of the cow is the back end."  And I just don't feel like I'm working with cows when I'm working completely out of their back ends.  Sure, there's a lot of shit involved, but that's really not it.  I can deal with that.  But when you go from the back end of one cow to the back end of another, and you never look at their faces and the only part you touch is the inside of their rectum, I just get sort of bored. 

Working with the sheep and goats and llamas/alpacas, though, is fun.  It is kind of cool castrating a ram that is still awake--he barely even knew what was being taken from him (and boy, it was a LOT that was being taken). 

P.S. I need to listen to MCR less so I don't get sick of them.  Because I don't know what I'll do if I stop loving them. 

Current Mood: disappointed

So as I was saying before I had to leave, ML was fucking awesome.  We got beaten, but it was awesome.  After they finished, Nathan was all 'we wanna meet everyone', but Farrah and I thought we needed to get to the main stage quick to get good places My Chemical Romance...except we didn't.  So we wasted an opportunity to meet ML.  Way to go, us.  

Anyways, we get to the main stage way early, and Say Anything is on.  We were fairly far back, and there was still shit going down... we stood behind this big dude who was our human wall.  Those are always useful.  We managed to squish pretty far forward for NFG, but the crowd was so RIDICULOUSLY crazy that we ended up getting shoved really far back, and we kind of stayed there for Hellogoodbye, which actually ended up being pretty good.  Once they finished, though, we got almost all the way up to the front (maybe six or seven rows of people away from the barricades?) and waited...and waited...and waited some more.  Finally, after many MCR chants, there was a countdown, and it ACTUALLY WORKED!  They started right out with The End, and then Dead!.  At some point, around there, we unfortunately were around some really drunk assholes who decided it would be fun to lean back on Farrah.  She (the pansy) couldn't take it and needed to get out, and I tried, but we couldn't squish her up to the barricade--so we had to CROWD SURF her out of there.  An experience she will never forget.  

The rest of the My Chem show was pretty cool.  Because I got up so far to get Farrah out, I was really close, but still really far right (to the right of Ray, who ALWAYS plays stage-left), so I barely saw Gerard and didn't see Frank or Matt at all =( And of course, as a result, I missed some antics, like when Gerard tried the "easy way to get away from these" [spotlights], and then another one appeared--"Oh shit, there's two!" and all the shit Frank did.  But all in all, a good time was had.

I cannot frickin' WAIT for Projekt Revolution.

Yesterday was fucking AMAZING.

I went to Bamboozle, and it was crazy. Farrah came with, and thank god it was her and not Sarika, because I don't think Sarika would have been able to make it. I also got the Umbrella Academy, which is pretty sweet.

I got up fairly early, around 8:30, and realized I probably needed to wash my hair again to get it how I wanted it, so I did. BAAAAD idea. At 9:30, I went out to get the Umbrella Academy, and was the fourth person on line. The girl ahead of me was an MCR fan, but not in a very chatty mood--maybe because she wasn't going to Bamboozle? Anyways, I got my comic, got the cameras, silver Sharpies, and then waited for Farrah to get here. And I waited some more, and then some more. By the time she got here, it was at least 11:30. And then, of course, we took forever to get moving, so we probably didn't get there until 1:30-ish, but that was ok. Security was ridiculously lax, so we pretty much got in what we wanted...except for Farrah being a dumbass and not hiding her bottle cap. I told her to bring an extra, but would she listen? Of course not.

Once we got in, we walked around randomly for awhile, got our MCR merch (expensive crap, that is), actually SAW Matt and Nathan Leone from Madina Lake before their set, and were WAAAAYYYY too chicken to actually go up to them and say something. Their set was fucking amazing though--they are REALLY GOOD live. Asides from the crowd almost killing us, they rocked. And I got to touch Nathan Leone...Amazing.

TBC...

Bob, Ray and Matt of My Chemical Romance got serious food poisoning on Sunday. And they've cancelled their shows all week and up until tomorrow night, because Bob was still in the hospital.

ZOMG!!!!! This is some serious fucking salmonella. My heart goes out to Bob; I really do hope that even if I don't get to see them, they get better. This just really really sucks badly, because I was TOTALLY looking forward to seeing them more than anything. Ever. But they're really sick, and I feel bad for being upset that I won't see them, because being sick enough to be in the hospital for days is so much worse than not seeing your favorite band play.

Whatever may happen, I just hope that My Chemical Romance (they really are) gets better.

Last sunday was the pooja for Ma. Almost everyone came on Saturday. Is it bad to say I had fun on that day? Really. In her death, I got to see and be with most of my family. I wish it didn't require these types of things to bring us all together. In which case, there should totally be more weddings instead.

My dad made me speak at the pooja. He told me to just talk about her, and maybe mention a special memory I had of her. I didn't have anything, and that's what I said. I started by saying how I didn't have a grandmother--I had Ma. And then that we didn't have special memories, but that we didn't really need them, because when I was with her, the feeling I had was enough. And then my brother talked about her life.

So I don't know how this happened, but over the past week or two, I TOTALLY fell in love with My Chemical Romance.

AGGHHH!!!! I just want them so bad it's almost painful! I totally want to go to a live show, but I'm not sure when...I could go right after finals, but it's upstate and hard to get to...but I love them so much I DON'T FUCKING CARE!!!!! And the more random shit about them that I watch, the more I love them--especially Gerard!!!! I just saw a video of them live in Australia, and WHILE he was singing, he fucking signed some girl's autograph...WHO CAN EVEN DO THAT????? It was just...totally slick!!! And like...nice! I know I love them as a band, and for their music, but they're all really cool as guys too...I could totally fall in love with a guy like one of them...any of them, because they're all so cool...Bob with his laid back behind-the-scenes thing...Ray with his crazy 'fros and almost caretaker...Mikey is just Mikey...Frank because he's so adorable and over-the-top punk kid...and Gerard for mostly the same reasons!

Late Friday night saw me in a really bad place. It wasn't even all about Ma. I just had so much stuff to do that night, and it was 2 AM and I was still not done and had a class at 10, and then a meeting after that with a group for a project in another class. And the whole parents-leaving-immediately thing and the no break after biochem was killing me. So Saturday morning, I do my shit, and then I go to Washington Square Park to just sleep in the sun.

I didn't actually sleep, but wow--nothing like some good sun therapy to make your mood better. I still had stuff to do, but it just made me feel a lot better. I was still tired, but not nearly as depressed as the night before.

I should get like a sun lamp or something.

Current Mood: rejuvenated

My grandmother died yesterday (or possibly two days ago). It's so weird, calling her my grandmother. She's just Ma. She's always been Ma.

It was weird, the way I was able to just put it all away. I found out right after my physics lab, around 12, while I was eating lunch. I felt a little bit of sadness, but I got through vertebrate anatomy and my biochem midterm ok. And then I left the midterm, called my mom, and just broke down. I don't even know why--I don't feel that sad. I know it's going to affect me, regardless of how close I was to her. She was my Ma--my dad's mother, the woman who raised him and six others without a husband. I can't even imagine what that must have been like for her. And she was even the mayor of Neem Ka Thana. I wish I could have seen her when she was in her prime, and not know her as the frail old lady that I always saw her as.

Even though I don't feel terribly sad, I really wish I could be there right now. In India, with my family, as they cremate her and remember her. She had a long, fruitful life, and I wish I could be there to share it with my family. It's the least I can do, then, to say what I can while I'm here.

Maybe watching The Namesake yesterday wasn't the greatest idea, but it got me thinking. Maybe I shouldn't stay in the US for vet school. Maybe I should go to Australia.

Current Mood: sad

Wow...I have fallen really hard for my lab partner...and it sucks because a) he's taken and b)guys like him never look at girls like me. I mean, I knew for a few weeks that I had a kind of crush on him, but oh MY GOD...I just went from falling to SPLAT!!!!

This is bad. I mean, I'm pretty sure he has no idea (or at least, so I hope). And I have to work with him two days a week, for the rest of the semester...I'm screwed. I've had sort-of things for previous lab partners (go me for almost always being with guys), but never this hard. Then again, they've also never been this hot.

In other news, I saw The Departed, aka awesomeness in movie form.

Edit:: I just realized...my last post was about him too.

Is it weird that I want to change myself because of a guy?

Oh, come on. First of all, the change is in a good way. Secondly, it's not for the guy, it's just because of him. Thirdly, he's really hot...

Ok. So we've got three of the same really hard classes together, and we had a midterm and lab practical on the same day. I was all freaked out and NOT prepared. Meanwhile, he's fuckign superman and knows EVERYTHING. What's even worse is that he's ALSO on the swim team--so it's not like he has a shitload of time either. It was sort of a eye-opener, I guess. That I'm not alone in what I'm doing, and that it CAN be done.

It also sucks that he's really hot and really nice and has a girlfriend. Oh, and he also wouldn't ever consider me as ANYTHING more than a classmate--probably never even a friend. Unless I get lucky by the end of the semester.

One more thing...Wolf from The 10th Kingdom is THE hottest man/wolf ever. Period.

Venezuela was awesome.

I really want to go back. Like now. It was seriously one of the most relaxing trips I have ever had. And I wish my whole life could be like that.

Nothing else is worth talking about.

Current Mood: relaxed

So Vineet bhaiyya's wedding (aka Wedding #2) was in Monterey this Thanksgiving weekend, and it was AWESOME. I love hanging with my cool cousins =) Although my brother (who shall, from now on, be known as "steggy") was disappointed at the Monterey nightlife. Ah well, you can't have everything.

I guess the only disappointing thing was that the one single guy who looked remotely appealing (and close to my age) was absolutely, unequivocally, not interested. So much for meeting guys on "the other side" and having a bit of fun. Hmph. I guess this is what I get for taking my stupid oath of un-skankiness.

It's only been a month since I've taken it and already I'm just not caring. Use me...PLEASE!!!!

Current Mood: horny

So yesterday (well, technically, two days ago) I volunteered at the marathon. And damn, was it crazy.

The most inspiring thing about it wasn't how fast the elite runners were going and all that crap. The most uplifting thing was to see how the crowd responded to the underdog, to the person who was really in need of some help to get through. This was mostly during the wheelchair/bikers division, when they were spread rather thin and those uphills are really fucking hard. There were a few in particular that come to mind:

1) I was stationed near the bottom of the hill at the end of mile 24, so most people were really zooming by when I saw them. But still, it was mile 24...they were tired. Anyways, there was this one guy in the wheelchair division, with the gear-hand-pedal-thing, and he only had ONE ARM and he still managed to pedal all the way through. And what's even more, is that that after all those people he had passed who cheered for him, when he heard me, he looked up and smiled. And there was just something brilliant about that smile that keeps coming back to me.

2) It turned out that the bottom of the hill I was working was a valley, with a rather annoying uphill following. Another guy in the wheelchair division had stopped, for whatever reason, in that little valley. Everybody started cheering for him, and as he started up again, everyone cheered even more. So what if there was an official there, urging on the cheering--I think people would have done it anyways.

3) On the hill itself, another wheelchair-er was having some difficulty. Spectators just took up the cause and cheered that much more.

This year, almost 38,000 people ran the marathon. And I have to wonder--what's so special about doing something that, every year, more than 35,000 people do? And I have to remind myself: your accomplishment is not lessened in any way just because another has accomplished it as well. 26.2 miles is a grueling distance, by almost any (save perhaps the hard-corest of all ultra-marathoners) standards, and being able to do it really says something.

I'm kind of wondering why all my posts have to do with guys...

Anyways, somehow, I got to talking to Chris again, and somehow we are seriously considering hooking up again.

I KNOW!!! Bad idea, in direct conflict with my last post, I know. It's just that when we talked, I realized that no one else knows my body the way he does. And then I thought duh, that's because I've never let another guy get to know me the way he has. I mean, what the fuck is the matter with me? Of course he'll knokw my body best and he'll know how it reacts...doesn't mean any other guy, given the proper opportunity, wouldn't know the same thing! Why is it that I can't let anyone in? Am I too choosy? Am I not choosy enough? WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!

Current Mood: frustrated

So the fifth guy that I've hooked up with is MARRIED.

Can I get any lower? Who cares if he's in the middle of a separation--he's still married. How could I do that? And why do I keep doing this to myself? I've kind of noticed some things about the guys I've hooked up with since Chris (and even during), and none of them are good:

1) I really don't care all that much for them. I just hooked up with them because it was convenient and I was craving intimacy.

2) They're always the ones who display interest in me first--I've never hooked up with a guy where I've initiated it, or even with a guy who I've had my eye on. It's always been that I just go with a the flow and do it because it's available.

3) Whatever the guy wants, I don't intend for it to be anything more than a one-night...stand, I guess you could call it. Even though it's not really. But it is just for that night.

I tried asking myself--what is really wrong with hooking up with guys as a one-time thing? I mean, I guess number 3 isn't really SO terribly bad...it's really 1 and 2 (which are related anyways) which makes it so much worse. I kind of said this after Dave (army boy), but now I'm making myself a fucking promise.

I'm not going to hook up with a guy just because I can. If I do, it will be because I wanted him. It will mean something. I won't want him for just one night, I'll want him for real.

For a relationship.

Current Mood: disappointed

It turns out "skeeve-tastic" (in Jenna's words) Dave, aka Army Boy, is holding a massive torch for his ex. Figures he'd hook up with me, and then tell me this a week later. Good thing I learned not to get so involved with a guy just because we hooked up.

But I do have to admit, there were a couple of days where I was considering him...and thought that I really liked him. And then it went away...so I guess it wasn't real.

I don't know why, but I started talking to Chris again. I still have no intention of ever seeing him again, but somehow, our conversations are just...nice. That's all.

And I wish David (old orgo lab partner David) was a little bit more of a guy. I wonder if I could seduce him over to the dark side...I'm sure he has potential, he just doesn't even want to bother. I don't think that I'm really really into him, but I just feel like he'd be the guy who would make a good boyfriend, if he could learn to give as good as he gets (when I yell at him, I mean). But even then, he doesn't seem to mind. I know he definitely cares about me not being dead...stopping me from walking into the street with (almost) oncoming traffic sort of proved that...admittedly, there was a walk sign, so the cab wouldn't have actually hit me, but still...it was a nice gesture.

I really should just give up with guys.

And the damn pain in my fingers STILL won't go away.

Current Mood: cold

Given what happened this weekend with Dave, and then Pete, I'm starting to wonder if I really do want a boyfriend. I mean, there was Dave, who I hooked up with, and then almost immediately told that our hooking up doesn't "change anything" (and yet it still did), and then Pete, who I didn't really give enough credit to and actually wanted to take me out...and I was a bitch and just wanted to hook up. And I feel really bad because now I feel like I led him on all night when I really thought we were just playing around. To make things worse, I think I might be falling for Army Boy, but since Thursday, he hasn't really been talking to me all that much...but again, that might just be my own fucked-up mind. And I'm starting to wonder if I really fucked things up with him.

So now I have to ask myself: Do I want a boyfriend? If I don't, then that's easy enough. If I do, then why am I doing everything I can to make sure no guy ever wants to think of me as girlfriend material, just an easy hook up?

Am I afraid of exposing myself? Of truly liking someone and having them like me back? Of risking getting hurt in a way that I can't fix?

Aren't I hurting inside enough? Do I suffer from the hedgehog's dilemma as well? Am I doomed to be alone and hurting the rest of my life?

Current Mood: depressed